parenting 101: i'm supposed to be the bigger person.

i'm the adult, right? i shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore or allow a three year old child to effect my moods so drastically. well guess what? i do and she does!

lately lula has been refusing to answer me when i ask her the simple question, "how was your day?" she puts on this random air as if she was too cool for school or like i'm asking her about something she's done wrong.

the thing is, i don't really want to talk. i used to be a very quiet person until my kids came along. i was usually the wallflower in a group and happy to be so. people who've met me recently wouldn't believe that, but it's the truth. jay often asks, "what happened to my quiet, sweet wife?" well, kids happened! that's what!

anyway, back to this situation with lula. so i'm happy to drive my car and not talk. i'd much rather listen to music, i'll be honest. but i do care about my children and their lives, and i want them to know it. so i always ask about what's going on in lu's life. (since d can't really tell me yet.) but lately she won't answer.

and let me tell you... it REALLY irks me. it just seems so rude and snobby. i mean she literally talks all day long non-stop and she can't bother to answer one little question of mine? so sometimes i just start ignoring her. if she asks me something, i don't respond. which makes her really mad. pretty childish, huh?! but it works. she gets the message: 1. it's not all about you; 2. it feels pretty crappy to be ignored.

yet, even though she gets the message, she continues to do it. maybe at this point it's because she knows how irritated i get even though i don't say anything. but today it happened again. and it literally ruined my entire evening. now i know what my dad would say: "If you can be offended you will be offended until you can be offended no more." i know... i let a three year old control my emotions and mood. i know! it's partially hurtful, but it's partially because i don't know what to do about it and feel like i should do something about it.

kids try to get under your skin. according to the boundaries with kids book, that's their job. lula has been saying, "you're not my friend anymore" when she's mad about something. i could truly care less. i know she's just throwing a tantrum with words and it doesn't phase me in the least. but for some reason, this ignoring thing just seems wrong.

anyway, i obviously am not handling it well. so any advice?! i could sure use some!

Comments

[Diana]

I totally get that from Asher, too. I think it's pretty common. I have found that there are certain times of day that he actually feels like conversing ... and right after he gets home from school is not one of them! He wants to have time to himself and a snack. So funny. I think I was that way after school (and after work when I worked full time). He also does not like to have conversations in the car because he has to sit in the back and cannot see my face or hear as well. The time of day he LOVES to talk and tell me stories and tell me about his day is at bedtime. Partly, I think, because he is putting off going to sleep. But I think also he just naturally opens up. He likes to sit in my lap (yes,all 60 pounds of him!) and talk ... a lot!

Don't get me wrong. He still ignores me plenty. Like, when I tell him to get dress for school, brush his teeth, put his shoes away instead of leaving them in the middle of the living room floor. It's so strange to know a child since they were a helpless infant and suddenly they are more adult than child with all these opinions and preferences! Just like Adam doesn't want to talk about stressful stuff right before he has to leave for work, Asher doesn't want to tell me about his day at school until he has had his quiet recovering time on the couch with a cup of Goldfish and his Kindle Fire.

Hope you and Lula find your groove soon!

[Sarah Jo]

Have you read "Quiet" yet? She may need some time to unwind after a full day of school. :)

[Dominique]

I totally understand this, nothing gets under my skin faster than being ignored. What helped with my son was to not ask such an abstract question (how was your day) for a 3/4 year old. I would ask more specific things like "Did you play in the sandbox today?" "Did you get to feed the turtle today?" Very specific and be ok with a one word response, I would say "I'm speaking to you, you need to answer", but then respect a one word answer. At that age kids have a hard time remembering what they did as well so it can be hard for them to answer such a large scoped question as "what did you do today". One way to work on that is before bed say I had fun with you today, we did this and this and this. Don't ask or force her to name off things that happened in the day, just do it yourself and eventually she might join in. And lastly try not to put so much pressure on yourself by connecting with her/wanting her to know you care in this particular way. She knows you love her by spending time with and playing with her. I agree it's important to make a habit of being aware of what's going on in their lives now before they are teenagers. But just wanted to encourage you that it's probably not so important to her as a sign of love right now.

[Laura]

I totally get it...sometimes I find myself battling with Eli like a fellow toddler. Today he plunged a sharp fork into the cushion of a stool in the kitchen (repeatedly) and made several holes in it. I wanted to grab his lightsaber and break it in half over my knee and ask him how it feels to have someone destroy your stuff. Somehow, I restrained...

[Sarah Jane]

Thank you all for your responses. Ive cooled down a little and am able to put things in better perspective. While Lula definitely has a serious sass factor that needs addressing, Im probably over reacting a bit. Thanks again! Its always good to know Im not alone in this pursuit of parenting! (Laura...I hear ya! Ugh!)

[Evie]

I'm just catching up on your blog, but this was a good one that totally hit home for me. I hate being ignored. You said it perfectly. It feels completely snobby and just rude...and shouldn't I teach my child that that is NOT ok?! Noah has been super sassy, by ignoring me, telling me he wants me to live in another house, telling me he doesn't want a family...RRRRRRR... Drives me nutty! Anyway, I appreciated all the responses to your post...they were helpful!